Dont You Think You Killed All the Funny People

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Eminem: Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, wanting to accept a fucking moving-picture show.

Ira Wright: [Ira takes a picture of Eminem and George from beyond the room] Yeah. Got information technology.

Ray Romano: East-postal service that to me.

Ira Wright: I volition. That'south crawly.

Ray Romano: Yeah.

Eminem: Who the fuck is that guy right there?

Eminem: [Eminem points at Ray] That fucking guy right there.

George Simmons: What? Ray Romano's bothering you?

Eminem: Who? Ray, Ray who?

George Simmons: Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.

Eminem: I don't give a fuck what show he's on. I'll fuck this motherfucker up, human!

George Simmons: Hey.

Eminem: Hey, Ray!

Ray Romano: Hello, Marshall.

Eminem: Fucking problem here, buddy?

[Ray shakes his head confused]

Eminem: Would you similar to fuck me? Is that what this is?

Ray Romano: [to Ira] I don't get it, man. What's going on?

Eminem: Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now?

Ira Wright: [whispering] Say no.

Ray Romano: No, man.

Eminem: [to George] I just gotta always be on my toes, man. You know?

George Simmons: I encounter that, but not with Ray Romano.

Ray Romano: [to Ira] This is why I don't become out of the firm.

Ira Wright: I thought everybody loved you.

Eminem: You lot know what? I think you lot fucked up.

George Simmons: How'southward that?

Eminem: I call up you fucked upwardly. I think... I don't think you should take took that medicine.

George Simmons: Why not?

Eminem: I don't know. Personally, I remember you should accept just let yourself die. Honestly human, what are - what are gonna exercise now? Make some other bullshit movie? Fuck another chick who doesn't like you? You know? That was your way out right there.

George Simmons: Mmm.

Eminem: At present you're fucking stuck.

George Simmons: Yep.

Eminem: You're stuck, just like me. Can't go to fucking Chuck Eastward. Cheese. I can't get to Target, I tin't go to All-time Buy. I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, K-Mart. You fucking name information technology, I can't get there.

Dr. Lars: It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.

George Simmons: Did anybody ever tell yous, you have a very scary accent?

Dr. Lars: You lot are a very funny human. I enjoy your movies.

George Simmons: And I relish all of your movies.

Dr. Lars: [surprised] Which movies?

George Simmons: The ones where you attempt to kill Bruce Willis.

Leo: I just came dorsum from the new Harry Potter picture. Harry's getting old. He's like older than my dad. They should showtime calling him Harold Potter. And that Hermione had some big, ole, tit-tays!

Ira Wright: I masturbate so much with paw foam, I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. Literally, when I'm in public and I run across someone pull out paw cream, I'm like "This guy's about to wiggle off!"

Mark: When my granddaddy died, in that location was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all idea it was him going to Heaven, you know?

Leo: You don't pass through burn to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.

Eminem: What exactly are nosotros jubilant here?

Daisy: I am sick of these guys' rap songs. They say 'Girl, drop it similar information technology'due south hot', 'Shake it'. I want to make a rap vocal that says 'Boy, brush your teeth, give me your jacket, I'g fucking freezing.'

George Simmons: Is your act just designed to make sure no girl volition e'er slumber with you again? All you fuckin' talk about is jacking off and farting. Yous recollect a daughter'south gonna come up to afterward and be like 'Oh, would yous just jack off for me so fart in my face?' That'due south fuckin' insane. Exercise y'all want to get laid, e'er?

Leo: I wanna put my eye-glasses on your asshole and so it looks similar you're blowing me when I fuck you in the donkey, you *jerk*.

Ira Wright: Do you lot ever become tired of singing the aforementioned songs, you lot know, over and over?

James Taylor: Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick?

Ira Wright: One of my roommates told me that he was Joe Pesci'southward son, I believed him for three years. I still get shit about that.

Leo: Become lose 20 more than pounds, you son of a bitch!

George Simmons: So, Ira Wright? That'southward not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.

Ira Wright: I don't think I can hibernate that. My face is circumcised.

Mark: Don't put me in this position where I have to fuck my way out of a corner!

Leo: He'll do it too. I've seen him.

Leo: If y'all put "cute kitten" in the championship of your YouTube video, you're gonna get a million hits. And and then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. Information technology's genius.

Ira Wright: Why don't yous only phone call it like, "Megan Trick Blows Someone"? Then more than people would Google that.

Laura: I used to exercise a lot of Idiot box, like 90210. I always played bitchy parts.

Ira Wright: You must have been a good actress, because you don't seem like a bitch to me.

Ira Wright: Would you fuck my roommate if he was James McAvoy or Jude Police force?

Daisy: Probably.

Leo: Information technology's not my fault your grandpa is playing backgammon with Hitler.

George Simmons: [In Re-Do] I took care of yous when y'all were a baby, at present have to do the same for me.

Clarke: Have you worked with Cameron Diaz? That girl is hot, isn't she? Fuck!

[laughs, and then looks at Laura]

Clarke: What? She's on my gratuitous pass list. Who'due south on yours?

Laura: George.

Clarke: [points at George] This George?

George Simmons: Look out.

Laura: Yeah.

Clarke: Oh, well, I'll just have Cameron then. On her surfboard.

Leo: Y'all son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted united states of america to write jokes for him?

George Simmons: So I'm guessing your friend is the fat version of you.

Mark: I can't belive this, I'thou opening upwardly to you, and you lot're making fun of a serious moment in my life.

George Simmons: I want you and your triple XL friend to write jokes for me.

Marker: [sarcastically] Oh, I'yard lamentable my $25,000 cheque is such an inconvenience for your pillow.

Mark: If you don't accept sexual practice with Daisy in 10 days, I will.

Dawn: [while having sexual activity with George] Do the MerMan!

Leo: Why don't you go suck George Simmons'due south cock?

George Simmons: [in his garage which is full of free stuff he's accumulated] All right, yous tin have anything in here. Only you gotta have the MerMan poster.

[points to a movie poster featuring him as a male version of a mermaid]

Ira Wright: No, I desire... I love MerMan!

George Simmons: I knew you honey MerMan. Yous and five-year-olds honey MerMan.

Ira Wright: Information technology'southward a smart moving-picture show.

Ira Wright: I tin can't believe you slept with her.

Marker: I gave y'all an extra 11 days.

Daisy: [Joining in the conversation] What are y'all guys talking well-nigh?

Ira Wright: Nothing, don't worry about it. Stupid guy stuff.

George Simmons: Don't cry, you lot're making a scene. Everyone will think I broke up with yous.

Chuck: Yous're not funny. You look funny, merely you're not funny.

George Simmons: Good news, Bonita. I went to the doc today. He said I was doing better.

Bonita: That'south good, Mr. Simmons. I found the pants you were looking for. They were in the closet.

Leo: I can't believe George Simmons is dying. I grew upwards on his movies.

George Simmons: [at the end of song to comedy club audition] George Simmons presently will be gone, and he'south not going to miss whatever of you people at all. Nosotros've always had a strained relationship. You e'er wanted too much from me, and I'1000 very mad at y'all.

Ira Wright: I'm going up at the One-act & Magic Club doing stand-up. You should come watch me.

Deli Director: Don't permit him suck you in. He'southward non funny.

Chuck: Nah, he's right human. No mode, man. That shit was painful. I mean, it was difficult watching you endure up at that place. I had fucking nightmares after that.

Ira Wright: That was a long time ago. That was months ago. I've gotten a lot funnier since and so.

Chuck: Then you bored my wife to slumber. I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.

Ira Wright: Don't blame me for your pussy issues.

Ray Romano: [regarding George's illness] How did he know he had it?

Ira Wright: He said he was feeling featherbrained and tired. And then he went to the doctor, and information technology was in his claret work.

Ray Romano: That sucks, 'crusade I go empty-headed and tired. Everyone gets sick and I retrieve I'm gonna get information technology. Is information technology contagious? It'due south non contagious, is information technology?

Ira Wright: No. No, I've been around him a lot. I feel fine.

Ray Romano: Okay, 'crusade when you were talking, a footling bit of your spit hitting my lip. Not that you got information technology, but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, and the next thing you know, I'm dead, and my wife's fucking George Lopez.

George Simmons: Am I not allowed to be happy or something? I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'thou non supposed to do anything near this? When am I supposed to exist happy? Why does everyone else get to exist happy?

Ira Wright: Await, George, I'one thousand simply gonna tell you this, as a friend. From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness might be coming at the cost of destroying this family.

George Simmons: I can give you my fax number and my e-post. What'due south your email?

Ira Wright: My due east-mail service? Information technology's... uh... irasexira@yahoo.com.

George Simmons: Uh, Wow. I'one thousand just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you.

Ira Wright: Don't do that. Information technology's from high school. It was funny and then.

George Simmons: Yeah, you lot should modify it.

Ira Wright: It'southward, like, thirteen years old. Okay, I will.

George Simmons: I mean alter it at present.

Ira Wright: Okay, I'll change it, I'll modify it ASAP.

George Simmons: Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. And don't say "I'm spooky" or "It's all skilful" or whatever of that stuff.

Ira Wright: Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyhow, so I won't. And information technology's not all expert, so don't worry.

Ira Wright: You'll never be happy 'cause yous're always gonna exist stuck with yourself! Unless somehow y'all can get away from you, yous're e'er gonna be miserable, George.

George Simmons: The more than coin you lot make, the more gratuitous shit they give you lot. It makes no sense.

Clarke: [later on having dinner with George Simmons] He's really funny! I don't know why his movies aren't funny though. That's weird isn't it?

[Ira has gone to the airport to stop Laura speaking to Clarke before he flies to Communist china, but he's as well tardily]

Clarke: [spotting Ira] Ira!

Ira Wright: [pretending he just happens to be passing by] Hey!

Clarke: What are you doing hither?

Ira Wright: I'thousand... I'm going... I'm going back to Los Angeles.

Clarke: LA?

Ira Wright: Yes.

Clarke: You're in the Great China Air starting time course lounge, mate. What are you doing?

Ira Wright: Oh. Yep. This is a confusing airport. I thought this was Panda Express.

Ira Wright: How does the softball team at MySpace work? Does everyone get picked last?

Marker: Did you know that Leo played a role on Yo, Teach?

Ira Wright: Yes I did.

Marking: And so you saw it?

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1201167/quotes/qt1547456